


Let Go Before You Fall

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, M/M, i wrote this a while ago dont judge it, it gets gay, suicide TW, there are other deh characters im just lazy, this has 2.8k reads on wattpad pls like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22473745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 17 year old Connor Murphy and his closest-and only friend, Evan Hansen are trapped in a hidden friendship. Connor, trying to protect his reputation as the loner stoner kid of the school, refuses to be seen with happy-go-lucky, anxious but friendly Evan in public. Evan hates this, but Connor has even more of a reason for this. He's developed Hanahaki, a fatal unless treated disease that is caused by one-sided love. He can get a risky surgery that may erase all of his emotions, convince Evan to love him back, or just die. The problem: Evan likes his sister, Zoe. What will Connor do? Will he die for his love without confessing, or tell the truth and get the surgery?
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Let Go Before You Fall

Prologue: Emails

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on January 13, 2014 at 10:37 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Yeah, I also miss our talks. Please stop doing drugs!! Take deep breaths when you need to; maybe take a hike. (I don’t mean that in a rude way, duh.) I’m attaching some pictures of some really beautiful trees I saw the other day. You’ll be obsessed with how much I’ve learned, heh. I’m proud of you. You’re really pushing it through and turning around. All it really takes is a little reinvention. Just give your mental health some attention and you’ll make it. All you have to do is believe in yourself.

Sincerely,   
Me.

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on January 13, 2014 at 10:39 pm.

Dear Evan Hansen, 

Genuine thanks for your last email. It is hard to just stop doing drugs like that *insert finger snap*. The only time I seem to smile is when we’re talking but I do think I’m doing better. I had dinner with my family earlier, as I mentioned in my last email. Do you want to go out to the orchard tomorrow? I can pick you up while your mum is out. If so, I’d really feel so great about that. I know you wish we could talk more at school or in public but I just can’t be seen with you. I love you but you’re just… awkward. So awkward. And my parents hate your family, I think. Might be thinking of a different Hansen but seriously. I’m sorry about that, man. 

Sincerely,   
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on January 13, 2014 at 10:44 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

You love me? Ha, as if anyone does. Anyways, that sounds amazing! We should totally go to the orchard. The branches covered in snow… Eek, sounds great. What time? My mom leaves at 6am 6 am tomorrow. WhY mUST yOu ThInK iM aWkWaRd I just wanna be friends irl. But I can deal. Seeing you also puts a genuine smile on my face. Can’t wait to see you. I should probably get to sleep before my mom gets home.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Chapter 1.  
Connor

Would Evan just take the goddamn hint?! I’m gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. I’m Very gay for him. Jeez. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I shut off my laptop with a silent “I love you” that I don’t type. He is an awkward little bean who I would never let myself be seen with in public but he’s my awkward little bean. Who’s not gonna ruin my reputation. I grab the small box of blunts off my shelf, open the window, and light one. The only times I feel happy are when I’m high and when I’m with Evan. Of course, both at once is the most ideal, but ya know. I suddenly cough. I’ve had a cold for the past three days or so and I’ve been coughing a lot and it’s not like the weed made it any better but this feels different. It’s like I swallowed broken razor blades and I’m choking them back up. I instinctively cover my mouth with my sweater sleeve and when I pull it away, there appears to be a dark liquid stain on the cuff of the sleeve. I touch it and it stains my index finger slightly reddish. Blood. Shit. Do I have cancer? Is my first thought. It’s unlikely, but I have been smoking a lot. I cough again, interrupting my thoughts. This time, a single, light pink, thin, flat… something comes up in my hands amongst the small drops of blood. I pick it up. It feels and looks much like skin. My heart rate quickens suddenly. I could be dying, I think. I grab my keys and throw a jacket over my hoodie, quickly write a note to my parents saying that I’ll be back before midnight, and head off to the hospital.

I pull into the parking lot of the hospital and park in the first open space I see, my heart still beating at a thousand miles a minute. I cough again, choking on another clump of whatever that pink thing was. I sit in my car, struggling for a moment or two, but then just swallow the chunk. I open the door of my car and run towards the ER as quickly as I can for a 17-year-old in the middle of a blizzard. The door slides open and I let myself in. A quiet looking woman, probably in her mid-30’s or 40’s, is typing away on a computer. I slowly walk towards her. She hears my footsteps, looks up, and appears a little startled. I’m confused for a second but then realise a teen boy with shoulder length dark hair wearing all black and heavy eyeliner approaching you isn’t exactly the most appealing thing to see while you’re working the night shift. In fact, it’s probably one of the scariest things you could see. I plaster on a fake smile and say, “Hey, um, I need to see someone quickly.” The woman, whose name appears to be Heidi, types something, asks for my information, and motions for me to sit down in the waiting area. I start to protest, then remember she probably wouldn’t react well to a creepy-looking emo kid arguing with her, so I just sit, trying to appear as normal as possible. Me being me, that ended up with a mother glaring at me and pulling her child a little closer to her. 

Uh… Connor Murphy? We’re ready for you.” I stand up awkwardly and walk towards the nurse. He leads me back to a room and asks me to sit down on the bed. He takes my vitals and asks me why I’m here. “I was… Well, I was smoking,” I say and my face flushes out of embarrassment and I continue, “and I coughed. It felt like I had eaten broken razor blades, and when I pulled my hands away, there was blood on them. I might be overreacting, but the next time I cough, a weird pink thing came up. I’m scared I have cancer or somethi-” Before I can finish my sentence, I begin to choke violently on whatever clump made me cough earlier in my car. Blood splatters on the floor and a few more of the pink things and what appears to be a flower float down along with the blood. The nurse puts his hands over his mouth when he sees what’s on the ground. “Oh my god.”

Chapter 2  
Emails

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on January 14, 2014 at 5:13 am.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I doubt you’re awake but my insomnia is keeping me up. You excited for the orchard today? Hopefully, I can still go. Some stuff came up last night but I’ll probably be able to pick you up. Can’t wait to see you!

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on January 14, 2014 at 8:34 am. 

Dear Connor Murphy,

Aw, can you? I hope you’re okay. My mum just left so if you can, you should start driving over now. I really, really hope you’re okay. Please don’t be high. 

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on January 14, 2014 at 8:36 am.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Omw.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Chapter 3  
Connor

I head off towards Evan’s place with hundreds of excuses flying through my head in case I cough up blood again. What the nurse told me was terrifying but I can’t tell him. He’s into Zoe anyways. I pull into Evan’s driveway, finally settling on an excuse when I cough up a mix of blood and pink apple blossoms, which I had identified during a huge coughing fit last night. I grab the box of tissues in my glove compartment and wipe off the blood from my coughing with one, and hide the flowers in another tissue, which I place in the bottom of the glove compartment. I honk the horn and see Evan approach the door.

I open my car door for Evan and he climbs in. “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY who you wanna listen to this time?” I say as I take out my phone and open Spotify. 

“My Chem again? I need to angstily scream a bit,” he says, flipping his dusty blonde hair out of his eyes. GOD HE’S SO CUTE. 

“Huh? Who?” SHIT DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?! 

“Uhhhhhhhmmmmmm… I was stalking this guy’s Instagram earlier… don’t judge me.” Nice save, dumbass. 

“Oh, lil gay, isn’t it?” Evan jokes and gently messes with my hair. SCREEEEEEEECH. I’m exploding with gay energy and I can feel myself blushing, so I flip up my hood and start up the car, turning on My Chemical Romance, per Evan’s request. 

I feel a poke. I turn to Evan, making sure I can still see the road. “You’re blushing, Connor. Do you wuv meeeee?” Something about that makes me blush even more and brings on a coughing fit. I turn away and cover my mouth, trying to swallow the flowers that I’m choking up. I wipe as much blood from my face as possible and ask Evan to open the glove compartment and grab my tissues. “Sure thing, lover boy,” He jokes and hands me the tissue box. I wipe any remaining blood, ready to give Evan my excuse for why I’m covered in it. Luckily, he doesn’t notice.

Until I cough again.

“Bro, you’re coughing up blood. Are you okay? Is this why you were worried you wouldn’t be able to go to the orchard today?”

“Yeah. I got into a fight with some kid last night while I was out smoking with the guy who’s Instagram I was stalking and some rando came up to me and punched me in the stomach. I went to the ER and had it checked out and I’m okay, though. Don’t worry about me, tree hugger.” I boop his nose and he blushes. Does he like me? Then why do I have Hanahaki? I just keep driving and let MCR drown out my thoughts until we reach the entrance to the old, abandoned apple orchard I used to go to with my parents. And Zoe. 

Thinking about Zoe makes me think about Evan, and thinking about Evan brings flowers. And I can’t let him see me like this. I get out of the car in an attempt to hide my bloodstained mouth and while I’m walking, I wipe my face. I get to the other side of the car and open the passenger door for Evan, who promptly slides out of the seat. We walk through the deep snow, freezing our legs almost up to our knees. 

Trudging slowly, Ithink about the fact that my love is literally slowly killing me. The nurse I saw last night said I have the worst case of Hanahaki he’d ever seen so it’s more like… quickly… killing me. Still killing me nevertheless. I have to stop this. Soon. And Evan can’t know. Ever.

I’m caught up fearing for my existence when Evan taps my shoulder. “Bro, we reached the clearing. You wanna brush off a bench and talk about life and… other shit like that?”

“Very specific.”

“Shut up,” Evan says as he gently nudges me.

“Yeah, okay, tree bro.” I say through coughing and choking back those beautiful yet painful pink flowers. 

“Okay, seriously, Connor. What’s wrong? You’ve been coughing blood and what appears to be tiny bits of skin this whole time. You’re not okay.”

“I’m fine, I swear,” I say, just before throwing up practically a bouquet of petals and branches.

Chapter 4  
Emails

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on January 14 at 7:44 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

YOU HAVE HANAHAKI?! YOU KNOW THAT CAN KILL YOU, RIGHT?! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?! Who is it for?

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on January 14 at 8:03 pm.

Dear Evan Hansen,

IT’S OKAY. It’s for the guy I met on Instagram. 

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on January 14 at 8:05 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

It’s not okay. I’m worried about you. You could die or you could undergo surgery that could make you lose all your emotions. Or you could confess to him and he could save you, but knowing you, you’d never do that. Please please please do something about this; I can’t watch you suffer.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Chapter 5  
Evan

Connor, my best friend, could die and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t help him. I can try to set him up with the boy he met on Insta. I could but it’d be hard. I’m so scared. I fire off an email asking him if we can go to the orchard or meet at a small coffee shop. He agrees to pick me up tomorrow at 9 am. I go to bed with images and flashes of Connor coughing up those pale pink flowers, probably apple or cherry blossoms. But I can’t get any sleep.

I wake up from no more than an hour of sleep to my mum drinking a cup of tea and preparing to leave for her work shift. She kisses me goodbye, grabs her keys, and leaves. I email Connor again, saying that she’d just left. He says he’ll be here in about 15 minutes, so I clean myself up and get dressed. I hear a honking outside and so I run downstairs and get into Connor’s car.

“Heyo, gayo. Where are we going today? And who are we listening to?”

“I’m gonna put our playlist on shuffle and I’m thinking we can just talk over some A La Mode. You wanna get started no-” He’s cut off by a small coughing fit. A tiny, single pink blossom comes up in his hands, along with some miniscule drops of blood. I hand him a tissue and help him wipe up the blood. He coughs again and I notice tears in his eyes. Him crying makes me want to cry with him. I feel so bad that I can’t help him. 

Connor drives us through the flurry of snow and we pull into the A La Mode parking lot. This is only my fourth time here but I’ve already fallen in love with the quaint little ice cream shop. I ordered a cookie dough scoop, my favourite. 

I’m talking about this time when I noticed Zoe, Connor’s younger sister, drawing stars on her jeans when Connor throws up into his cookies and cream. It’s a muffled, small episode but it scares me nevertheless. I run up to the front of the store and ask for lids for our ice cream and some napkins. We clean up as many petals and as much blood as we possibly can and leave before Connor has another fit. I’m honestly so scared that he won’t live to graduation. 

We decide to just drive around for a little bit and chat. “So, have you seen this special someone since the other night?” I ask Connor.

“No… We’ve talked a little on Instagram but we haven’t seen each other in real life. I’m hoping I can see him soon, though,” He says, blushes, and looks away. I’m surprised he’s not coughing his lungs out at the mention of this boy, but I pass it off as nothing. “Zoe has a concert tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t get cancelled because of the snow, but I don’t really have high hopes, considering we haven’t had school in, like, a week,” Connor mentions awkwardly. I get a little excited for a second, then notice the sadness on his face. He starts to tear up again and I pull him in for a hug as he shakes with sobs. “What’s wrong?”

“If this concert gets cancelled, I might never see Zoe play again. I’ll never feel close to her again. All my hope is pinned on Zoe and I barely know her how I used to. I’m just-” He’s cut off by sobs and begins to cough. “And I know you like her,” He says between vomiting flowers and blood, “And I know all of these things,” He chokes, “And I wish this would all just end.” I hold him as tightly as I can and we just sit there in his car crying for an hour. 

“I’m so sorry I can’t help you.” I barely hear him say something, but I can’t make out what it is through his tears and choking. I rub his back gently in circles and I feel his sobbing slow a little, so I tell him that I can drive us back to my place if he wants. He sadly nods his head. “But you don’t have a driver’s licence. You can’t drive. I’ll do it. It’s fine.” He starts the car and we drive to my house. 

“Evan, I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I know it sucks that we can’t be together in public and that our friendship literally sounds like the premise of a bad gay love story, but I really am so happy you’ve been here for me this long. You’re my only friend and I’m happy that out of anyone, you’re my friend, say, rather than that one kid, uhm, what’s his name again? Jake? James?”

“Jared?”  
?  
“Yeah, that’s it.” He laughs a little. It’s good to see him smile until he chokes again. This might be the worst I’ve ever seen him, and I’ve seen him about to jump off a roof. He’s choking and sobbing and coughing and vomiting blossoms and irony red liquid and there’s nothing I can do to help. I don’t want to leave him alone because I’m so scared he’s going to die. 

We’re almost home.

Chapter 6  
Emails

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on May 30, 2014 at 2:27 am.

Dear Evan Hansen,

We’ve been waaaay too out of touch. Things have been insane! I wish we talked more. Thinking of you every night and missing going to the orchard and A La Mode with you, but since I’m finally back from therapy, maybe we can go tomorrow. I gotta tell you, life without you has been rough and as you’d say it, I really do miss our talks about life and… other stuff. I really should stop smoking. I’ll try to accept your tips and be nicer to people. Like you say, all it takes is some reinvention.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on May 30, 7:24 am

Dear Connor Murphy, 

Oh my god, we really haven’t talked in a while, have we? We need to catch up. Pick me up to go to the orchard tomorrow at noon? I’ll bring sandwiches. Thanks for quoting me, lol. See you soon.

Sincerely,   
Me.

P.S. Can you stop emailing me in the middle of the night? I leave my computer open and unlocked so if you still want to keep our friendship on the DL you should be careful when you message me.

Chapter 7  
Connor

I pull into Evan’s driveway at exactly noon as instructed through email. As usual, I honk, and Evan comes to the door. Today, he’s wearing a blue striped polo shirt and dark jeans. His hair is still damp from his usual morning shower, giving it a cute shine to his appearance. I smile when I see him. I get out of the car, we do our handshake and he gets in the passenger side. Immediately I begin coughing up blood and delicate apple blossoms. He angrily slams the door. “Ev, what’s wrong?”

“You’re coughing again. Don’t worry about me. There’s blood everywhere.”

“Evan, I’ve been struggling with this since mid-January. You’re having a bad day. You look like ass. What’s wrong?”

“Damn mum is gonna start taking classes at night until, like, midnight, so I’ll never be able to see her anymore. Not like I care cause I get to spend time with my best friend, but I still wanna see her occasionally. Maybe I should just die, then she’d care.” I put my hand on Evan’s shoulder while starting up the car. “See, the thing is, I’d care. That has to count for something. You still wanna stop by A La Mode on our way like I promised?” His face lights up at that and we’re on our way.

We grab a couple of scoops at A La Mode and then before we can process how fast it’s gone through our chats and music, we’re there at the orchard. Evan hands me the wicker picnic basket of sandwiches and drinks and gets out, and I follow. We sneak over the fence and we get over just as a vine-like string of branches and flowers shoots out of my mouth. I choke and vomit it all up, along with maybe a cup of blood. It’s getting worse. I likely only have a few months left. I’m genuinely scared, but once we reach the clearing and set up our lunch, I feel much better, and not even like I’m going to have another episode. I begin to run towards the tallest tree in my sight. Evan sprints after me, laughing.

I jump as high as I can and grab the lowest branch. I run my feet up the side of the tree and begin to climb. Evan mimics my movements and we silently (except for the occasional laugh) climb the tree together. It feels like I could be in love like this forever, even though he doesn’t feel the same. I get to the top first and shout down to Evan, “The view is amazing from here!” He shouts back, 

“I’m almost there! Can’t wait to see!” As he reaches me, he says, 

“I wonder what it would be like to just…” My heart starts pounding, “...let…” I begin to panic, “...go.” Evan’s hands slip loose from the branch and he lets himself fall forward. I scream more hysterically than I ever have and I race down the 40-foot tree as fast as possible. I slip on the last branch down and fall out of the tree flat on my face like an acorn, lift my head, and look around for Evan. I spot him and run, crying, coughing, and wiping the blood and tears from my face. I bend down over Evan, crying and coughing intensely. “Evan, Evan, please be okay. Please be alive. Please. I need you,” I sob. The sheer terror and sadness in my voice is something I will likely never be able to express. For a moment, there is nothing. No response. He fell out of a 40-foot tree. What do you expect? Now you’re going to die with no friends, completely alone. His eyes flutter open gently and he tries to lift himself up but winces in pain. “Agh, my arm.”

“Oh thank god. Are you okay?”

“My fucking arm, Connor. I think I need to go to the hospital. I can’t feel it.” I nod. Luckily, though I don’t look it, I’m a pretty strong guy. I pick him up and race to my car, where I gently set him in the passenger seat. It’s unnecessary considering he didn’t say anything about his legs, but it’s the gesture that matters, I guess. I hit the gas and we speed towards the hospital, somehow not getting stopped the whole way. 

I rush in the ER door carrying Evan (again) and run up to the front desk. Hey, my… hhhhh… friend fell out of a tree and broke his arm… I think… Could we please have him checked out as soon as possible? He’s in a lot of pain.”

“Sure thing. We just need to get some information entered here…” Evan gives the woman the necessary information and we sit for a little bit until Evan is called back. I pull out my phone and fire off an email.

Chapter 8  
Emails

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 2:39 pm.

Dear Evan Hansen, 

How’s it going in there? Email me as soon as I can come in if they don’t say they’re gonna come get me for ya. 

Sincerely,   
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 2:47 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy, 

It’s broken. You can come back here in about 10 minutes after they call my mom and all that shit. Hope to see you in just a little bit. Luckily the only other injuries I have are just a couple bruises. Cya soon.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 2:49 pm.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Okay. See ya.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Chapter 9  
Connor

I whisper, “I love you…” before coughing a little and shutting off my phone. A nurse comes in and says, “Is there anyone here to see an Evan Hansen?” I raise my hand and stand up and join the nurse. We walk down the long hall and turn into a room. I see Evan laying in the bed and immediately rush towards him and pull him into an awkward side hug, avoiding his broken arm. Some of my tears fall on his face and I apologise without hesitation. He says his mum is going to be there in about 40 minutes; just enough time for me to tell him. “So uh, Evan, I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately and I thought I should tell you…”

“Yeah? What is it?” No. I can’t fucking do it. Shit. Excuse. Come up with an excuse quick. 

“Uh…” I stammer, “I was thinking… Why don’t they have a Panera closer to this damn hospital?” Nice save, fuck-up. I begin to cough. Luckily, the nurses left us alone because they thought we were dating or something. I wish. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be in this mess. I grab his good hand and say, “Hey Evan, I really do wish there was a Panera. Seriously. But I also wish you hadn’t let go of that branch and I’m so happy you’re still okay. Thank you to whatever force kept you alive when you fell out of that oak tree, you acorn.” 

“Hey, bro, it’s all good now. I’m feeling better. I didn’t tell them too many details. I just told them I climbed a tree and fell. I won’t be stuck here too long.” Evan’s phone dings.

“Shit.”

“What?”

“My mum is coming early. You need to leave. Now.”

“Fuck. okay. Hugs?”

“Yeah, sure.” I gently pull him in for another hug and when I pull away, he ruffles my hair and laughs. “See you soon, Connor.”

“You too, Evan.”

Chapter 10  
Emails

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 5:09 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy, 

I just got out of the hospital. My arm is nicely wrapped and it’s a bit itchy but it feels a little better. Hopefully, I’ll get to see you soon. 

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 5:12 pm.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Good to hear! I’m so happy you’ve gotten out. I’d ask if you want to go to the orchard tomorrow but you probably don’t want to head out there for a little while. If you’d like, I can just come to your place while your mum is working. 

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 5:18 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I’d love it if you could come over. I do need some extra support right now after what actually happened, but my mom is skipping work tomorrow to make sure I’m okay. Maybe the next day? I’d really like that. Don’t get too high, please! 

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from 97spice@gmail.com on June 1, 2014 at 5:20 pm.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Okay, well then I’ll see you on Wednesday. I’m going to grab myself some dinner. Be right back. Bi!

Sincerely,   
Me.

Chapter 11  
Connor

I’m only getting worse. Both mentally and physically. It’s been two months since Evan broke his arm and I’ve been there for him more than ever before, but my Hanahaki has also been worse than ever. I could die any day now. This isn’t how I want to go out. I cough all over the book I’m reading while sitting on my window seat in my room. I open the window and vomit practically a bush of flowers. This has become the norm for me now. Coughing up blood and delicate blossoms, occasionally accompanied by clumps of branches. 

Emails to Evan fly like the small twigs and delicate little flowers do out of my throat. I vomit blood, branches and blossoms at least 5 times a day, and that doesn’t even begin to count how much I cough up blood and petals daily. I can’t live with this much longer. My love for a boy I can never have is going to kill me in probably less than a week. I’m genuinely terrified, but happy that Evan has been doing okay.

I wake up at 6:30, like usual, run downstairs and chug the remaining milk in the fridge before anyone else wakes up, leaving just a tiny bit so I don’t have to throw away the carton. I run back upstairs to smoke a blunt. Nice going. Get high on the first day of school so you don’t have to go. I take a hit and begin coughing violently, so I open the window a) to let out some of the smoke and b) to vomit out of. More blood than usual, and as the clump falls to the compost pile below my window, I notice leaves. I’m getting so much worse. I hear Mum’s footsteps as she gets out of bed, so I put out the blunt, throw it out the window, which I close after doing so, cough into my sleeve, and throw myself onto my bed and pretend I’m just waking up. “Connor, wake up. First day of school, honey.” I groan and sit upright.

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Okay, hon.” She sniffs. “Your room smells like pot.” I sniff in return and say I don’t smell anything, which seems to satisfy her. I change into acceptable clothing in case I end up having to go to school anyways, and I run down the stairs, grabbing a frozen waffle to snack on. “Do I have to go to school?” I whine. 

“Yes, Connor. It’s the first day of your senior year. You have to go.”

“But dad…”

“Look at his eyes; he’s probably high,” Zoe quips.

“Well, I don’t want him going to school high,” Mum responds, shaking her head.

“Great, then I won’t go at all,” I scoff with a forceful munch on my frozen waffle. I say this, but internally I plan on going anyways because I want to see Evan, even if we can’t really interact. I just want to see his face before I die. I grab my backpack and hoodie off the hook in the entrance and leave the house as soon as Zoe finishes saying she’s going to leave without me. Jeez, our house can be chaotic sometimes. I load myself into the car and let Zoe in, though I was debating just letting her walk. Might as well make a good impression during my last week or two here. 

As I pull into the school’s parking lot, I make sure I look as intimidating as possible. If anyone dares to touch me, I will… Uh… I don’t know. Cough flowers on them? Sure. I let Zoe out and exit the car after her. I flick up my hood over my dark, long hair which I grew out over the summer. 

As I’m walking from class to class, Jared Kleinman makes a stupid joke about my hair so I give him the deadliest look I can muster. I notice Evan behind him, acting terrified. Jared runs off and Evan laughs a little. He begins to say something, but I have to keep up my mean stoner boy act. I call him a freak and shove him as gently as possible, trying not to further injure his arm, but I underestimate my own strength. He falls to the floor and I mutter a quick and silent “Sorry, I love you.” Which he doesn’t hear.

The day goes on as most first days go. When it ends, I meet Zoe in front of my car and drop her at the house saying I’m going out and won’t be back for the night.

Chapter 12  
Emails

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 1, 2014 at 5:27 pm.  
.  
Dear Connor Murphy,

Yo, I haven’t heard from you all day. Tbh I was a little hurt when you shoved me, but all is forgiven when you signed my cast. How was your day?

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 1, 2014 at 5:35 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I’m starting to worry a little. You usually reply within 5 minutes. Are you okay?

Sincerely,   
Miss you dearly,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 1, 2014 at 5:42 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I’m going to bike over if you don’t respond within 10 minutes.

Sincerely,   
Your worried friend,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 1, 2014 at 5:53 pm.

I’m coming over.

Chapter 13  
Connor

I speed down the highway to the nearest Home Depot or Lowes or any hardware store I can find. I’m coughing and throwing up uncontrollably. Blood is everywhere. Small petals and flowers litter the car. There’s a pile of branches everywhere I look. And the leaves. The leaves are new and from what I’ve read about Hanahaki, it’s a sign that you’re within your last week of life. There’s almost no saving me now. I’m just going to do it myself. It’s the only thing left to do. My phone is dead. I can’t tell Evan goodbye, but I have a notepad and pen. I see a sign for a Lowes and pull off into the exit. I run in, grab what I need, pay and leave. I get back in the car and floor it towards the orchard.

I get out of my car with the notepad, pen, and Lowes bag. I try to run but I’m so weak from blood loss. I’m coughing hysterically and I can barely breathe from the flower petals. I keep running through the windy evening. Like I did on that June day three months ago, I make a beeline straight for the tallest tree in my sight; The one that must be over 40 feet. I sit with my back against the tree and cough through my tears. I write a short note, shove it in my pocket, and jump to the shortest branch and grab on, holding the rope in one hand. I climb as high as I can, coughing and vomiting leaves and blossoms the whole time. 

I eventually find a suitable branch. Sturdy, but not too thick, and it’ll hold my weight. I straddle said branch and tie the rope around the wood and slip it over my neck, coughing blood and flowers the whole time and wishing Evan could save me. The second I slide myself off the branch, I immediately regret it, but it’s too late. I feel something in my neck pop and everything goes black and I mutter his name for the last time.

Chapter 14  
Emails

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 2, 2014 at 8:32 am.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Good morning! When I went to your place yesterday, I asked Zoe if she’d seen you and she said you were going out for the night. I imagine you were with the boy you met on Instagram. I hope so because I want you to be around people so you’re safe. I hope you had a good evening. See you at school!

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 2, 2014 at 11:49 am.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I haven’t seen you at school today. Hmm, maybe you got really stoned and stayed home. I hope that’s the case. But then why aren’t you answering me? Are you mad at me for trying to talk to you in public.I’ve forgiven you for pushing me. Can you please forgive me for trying to talk to you?

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 2, 2014 at 3:32 pm

Dear Connor Murphy, 

I didn’t see you at all so I’m guessing you stayed home. Maybe you’re asleep. Like always when you miss school, kids are making jokes about hoping you killed yourself. When you come back, they’ll know not to mess with you. Remember last time people started spreading rumours and you beat up Kevin Alexander? That was… Well… interesting… but you seemed proud of it so… Anyways I can stop by later if it’s okay.

Sincerely,   
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 2, 2014 at 8:20 pm.

Dear Connor Murphy, 

I stopped by and had a chat with Zoe. She says you’ve been missing since last night and no one knows where you are. Do you want me to help find you? Huh, not like you can see these. But I promise I’ll try to find you.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 3, 2014 at 1:34 am.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Something is in the back of my mind keeping me awake but I have no idea what it is. I’m going to try to get a little sleep now.

Sincerely,   
Me.

Chapter 15  
Evan

“Guys, I can’t drive, but there’s this old abandoned orchard that Connor seems to like going to after school. Maybe you could check there. Maybe you’ve heard of it,” I shout above the wind.

“Oh! The old apple orchard! That’d make sense! Wait- How do you know this?” Cynthia asks.

“Uh… I overheard him saying something about meeting someone at an orchard over the phone and I used to go to this apple orchard as a kid with my mum and I just kind of assumed…”

“Okay, honey. You stay here. We don’t have enough room in the car. We’ll check in with you tomorrow.” She says. I grab my bike and ride back to the house. When I get in, There’s a $20 bill on the table, which I assume mum left for me to order a pizza or something. I open my computer and go to the Papa John’s website to order. I get my regular and wait. While I’m waiting, I write a few more emails to Connor for him to see when we find him. We will find him. I am determined to find my friend, when the doorbell rings. Then I have a new goal. To consume a whole extra large pepperoni and bacon pizza by myself. Once I’m satisfied, I let out a huge belch and fall asleep. 

When I wake up, my mum is tapping on my shoulder and I realise I’ve slept on the couch. She whispers, “Hey Evan, wake up. It’s early but it would be a good time to wake up for school.” So I sit up and yawn. I get ready for school and have her drive me on her way to work. I get out of the car. The second I get into the school, everyone starts looking at me and whispering to their friends, and I hear a voice come over the loudspeaker. “Evan Hansen, please report to the office. Evan Hansen to the office, please.” Because I just got in the school, I’m right near the front office, so I walk in. Connor’s parents are sitting there, and Cynthia is crying. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Was Connor found?” Cynthia sniffles, then speaks.

“Our son… Well, he was found…” She stammers. I interject, 

“Well, that’s awesome! Is he okay?”

“Well…” Cynthia looks to her husband for support. He continues her sentence. 

“Our son, Connor… He… He killed himself.” Cynthia bursts into tears and buries her face into Larry’s chest while he remains emotionless.

“No… No he… Why are you telling me this? He... “ I get cut off by Larry handing me a note. 

“Read this. His last words to a cruel and uncaring world. Addressed to you. We haven’t even read the whole thing yet.” Cynthia tears up even more. I read the note. 

“Dear Evan Hansen,

It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day at all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… Why would it be? 

Oh, I know. Because there’s you and Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on you and Zoe. Zoe, who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe… maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of… something. I wish that anything I said… mattered, to anyone. I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

Evan, I’m so sorry. I can’t live with my condition any longer. I lied to you. I have Hanahaki because of you. Don’t start thinking anything is your fault because it’s mine. My fault for falling in love with you. My fault for not doing anything about it. My fault for lying. I wish I could’ve been with you but you’re straight and into my sister. I’m so sorry but I have to let go before I fall. You were my closest and only friend. Goodbye. I love you.

Sincerely,   
Your best and most dearest friend,  
Me.”

By the end of the note, we’re all tearing up. “I don’t believe it.”

“He’s hanging in the orchard. His jacket was on the ground at the base of the tree we found him on and the note was in his pocket. We haven’t taken him down yet. Do you want to say your goodbyes?”

“Yes.”

Chapter 16  
Emails

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 3, 2014 at 9:32 am.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I don’t believe it.  
You aren’t dead. You can’t be dead. Just the other day, you were… Well, you were… perfect. You looked and seemed like an angel. Why am I describing you like this? But you were assertive, aggressive, and yet still so sweet deep down. I don’t care what they say. I don’t care what they show me. You’re. Not. Dead. You can’t be.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 3, 2014 at 9:43 am.

Dear Connor Murphy,

We’re almost at the tree where they say you hung yourself. I recall the surroundings from that day in June, exactly three months ago when I broke my arm. Though some of those aren’t great memories, just the time spent with you makes up for it; You coming to get me when I let go, you carrying me to your car for a whole half a mile somehow… I can’t believe you’re dead. I won’t accept it. You’re still here.

Sincerely,  
Me.

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on September 3, 2014 at 9:47 am.

Oh my god.

Chapter 17  
Evan

We take a familiar half-mile trail to the memory-sparking clearing where I broke my arm in June. My eyes begin to tear up again when I remember everything Connor and I have done together here. Picnics, talking about anything and everything we can think of, climbing the tall trees, and so much more. Together, we braved the tall grass and branches. I refuse to believe he’s dead. He can’t possibly be gone from my life. We were going to do so much in the future.

The Murphys pull me towards the enormous tree I climbed three months ago in an attempt to end my life. I start crying when I see the wilted apple blossoms and leaves scattered around the trunk of the tree.

I look up.

Oh my god.

I scamper up the tree like a squirrel, following the drops of blood on the branches that mark where Connor stepped to get up here. 

I straddle the branch so I can pull up his body with the rope. Once I have him up, I burst into tears and cradle his body in my arms. I can’t stop crying.

Three years of hidden friendship hit me like a wall of bricks. 

He’s gone.

He’s gone and I’m hopelessly in love.

A prickle rises in my throat.

Epilogue

Email from mapleredeh@gmail.com on August 30, 2015 at 4:54 am.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I hope you can see the persistent emails I’ve been sending you for the past year. You’re dead. I just have to accept it. Life without you has been the hardest thing in the world for me. Losing you was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’m so sorry I didn’t realise it sooner; I’m so sorry I didn’t realise you loved me before it was too late. I could have stopped the Hanahaki but I had no idea that you had it because of me. I’ve come to terms with my bisexuality and that I never realised how perfect we could’ve been together. You loved me and I can’t believe I didn’t realise it. Tomorrow is going to be the worst day in the world for me. The wounds of your loss are still fresh and it’s been exactly a year by then. That’s why… well… I’ll be joining you tomorrow. I love you and I’ll see you soon.

Sincerely,  
With love,  
Me.


End file.
